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Previous: RPG Clichés
Next: The Five Gamers
Written by Jeremy Fowler-Lindemulder
Omniscient voice: Matt Dickerson
Bob: Jeff Hertel
Dave: Mike Kirk
BA: Ed Stahlnecker
Sara: Jeanie Deasy
Brian: Jeremy F-L
GM: Billy Elmore
Welcome, ladies and gentlebeings, to our feature presentation this evening. Please take your seats as our own local dramatic troupe, known across the countryside as the Swak Iron Players, presents us with a break from our normally mundane lives. Prepare to be amazed by mighty creatures, brave adventurers and stalwart rules lawyers. You will laugh, you will cry, and you will probably lose your lunch as our courageous thespians ply their art in our midst with their dramatic interlude known by the title of "I Gotta Game."Please imagine the setting in a mythological future world where our own exploits and lives are but a memory. Our players are wondrous future adventures come to gather with others of their ilk at a mass gathering known as GaryCon Millennium.
BA: It's really good to be back at GaryCon.
SARA: Your decision to take the bus here was a good one.
BA: You can't beat the new all night Greyhound to GaryCon rates unless you pile seven people in a Yugo.
SARA: Speaking of car pooling, I wonder if the guys made it here yet. They were supposed to leave yesterday morning in Dave's Pacer, Margo.
BA: I hope they made it here all right. I preregistered all of us for the Hackmaster Master Hackfest teams competition and our entry fee is non-refundable. We better find our table and hope they show.
BA: It looks like you guys got here early.
BOB: Yep, we're alive and in mostly one piece after our harrowing journey.
DAVE: Hey BA, can I borrow some cash for the weekend?
SARA: Didn't you bring enough money Dave? there are always incidental costs at conventions.
DAVE: Yea, but I have to get my Pacer out of the shop on Monday.
BOB: I never knew armadillo's could grow that big.
BRIAN: That's because it was a pig.
DAVE: That explains the smell of bacon coming from under my hood.
BRIAN: That explains the farmer chasing us with a pitchfork.
SARA: You hit a pig on the highway?
BRIAN: It was more of an off road random encounter. There are no pigs on the Urban Hack™ random encounter charts. Obviously an oversight during play testing.
DAVE: It was cool the way that fence went flying over Margo's hood. It was like a prison break or something.
BA: It sounds more like a Dukes of Hazard episode.
BOB: I still think it was an armadillo. Don't armadillo's squeal a lot like pigs?
BRIAN: I borrowed some tape from the front convention desk. Your windshield should be fine as long as the weather holds, Dave.
BA: Either way, we need to get started on the team competition. It looks like we're all here. Who's our gamemaster anyway?
BRIAN: It says here that our gamemaster is Dan Donnelly.
DAVE: Who the heck is that?
BA: Just some Hackmaster Master Judge they assigned us. Just remember to act like a team. These guys are easy to impress if we nod a lot and look thoughtful before we trash the tavern.
BOB: Yea, we're a team. Just remember to stay out of my way. I have a crossbow and I mean to use it.
BA: We don't know if that's true Bob. This is a classic adventure. We won't be using our regular characters.
SARA: Bob, please don't kill all the key NPCs like you did last year.
BOB: Hey there Missy, tell them to stay out of may way too. I'm gonna prime my dice.
BA: Hey, is that what I think it is?
DAVE: What's wrong BA? Bob's just pulling for the team.
SARA: That looks just like a...
BA: ... piece of my mother's table cloth!
BRIAN: It's Bob's sweet spot for dice rolling that he's been cultivating for months during our regular game.
BOB: I still think you guys should have let me use the band saw to bring the section of table.
BRIAN: I did a statistical analysis, and he's 4% more likely to roll above a 10 in his lucky zone.
GM: Hi everyone, I'm Dan Donnelly, and I hope you're ready for a great game.
BOB: Just roll the dice Hackboy, and we'll leave greatness in our wake.
DAVE: Careful you don't touch Bob's dice. I'd hate to see his luck disappear.
BOB: ... or your hand disappear.
SARA: I'm ready to start.
BA: I know I'm ready.
BRIAN: We're already 2 minutes late. Let's light this candle.
GM: All right then, as you know we're playing by the current Hackmaster rules through errata update 3B.
BRIAN: Good. I didn't like what they had to say in 3C about undead molds and fungi.
GM: Please listen as I read the boxed text.
BOB: Hold on diceman, what about our characters?
GM: After I read the boxed text I'll distribute them.
BRIAN: It's more of a bold italics text really. They haven't printed the text in boxes for years.
SARA: Please let him finish.
DAVE: Without knowing my character I can't experience my true motivation.
BA: Have you been taking acting classes again Dave?
DAVE: Can you tell?
GM: Ahem.... A chill breeze awakens you from your slumber in the woods, and you look around to see several familiar faces for whom you seem to remember no name. You and your party look around to see the last traces of a fog of forgetfulness dissipating into the trees. This mysterious mist seems to have robbed you of your identities and much of your memories.
BOB: So, let me get this straight. We don't know who we are or who we're with?
SARA: This could get interesting.
BA: Maybe if we looked through our possessions and at our clothing we could figure out some things about our characters.
DAVE: I look for a magic weapon and something to hit.
BRIAN: Good idea BA. I'm looking at the others here, maybe we can describe our teammates to themselves. It might spark a memory.
GM: Ok, here are your characters, but don't look a them. Instead, I'd like you to attach your sheets to these headbands and wear them on your foreheads. That way everyone else can see who you are, but you can't.
BOB: Hey Dave <snicker>, do you wear a chain mail bikini?
DAVE: That's it. I step on Bob's character.
BA: Sara, you are quite intimidating.
SARA: Really? What do I look like? Tell me.
BRIAN: Um... Got milk?
GM: As you emerge from the woods, you see a young girl kneeling at the river, collecting water in an elaborately decorated amethyst colored urn.
BOB: I waste her with my pixie crossbow.
DAVE: I run at her screaming and let my battleaxe fly.
SARA: Maybe we should think this through. She's probably just here to fetch water for the village. I don't think the writers planned this to be a battle scene.
BRIAN: That's obviously what we're supposed to think. This is a classic Hack tournament misdirection. I charge the girl on my unicorn, Fluffy.
BA: I slowly beat my head on a birch tree.
GM: Are you certain that you want to attack. She seems to be a defenseless little girl after all.
SARA: No! I attempt to shield her from the impending onslaught of my over enthusiastic team mates.
BOB: Firk ding blast. I'd run out of ammo before I'd hurt her anyway. Pixie arrows stink for damage.
DAVE: Are you sure Sara. She might be an evil gazebo in disguise after all, and what's one little girl balanced against one of those loose in the world?
BA: Back off guys, she probably has vital information, and all we're doing is scaring her silent.
BRIAN: Sorry BA, but while Sara and you are arguing with Bob and Dave, I spur Fluffy on to run her through, aiming for her spleen to do maximum damage. Good diversion by the way. With you arguing like that, I should get a plus 5 bonus.
GM: With a gurgling sound the little girl turns into a wicked sorceress and curses you as she dies on Fluffy's horn. "How did you know," she gasps. "How could you know that I was your most hated foe?" The adventure ends, you have vanquished the evil witch who sought to enslave you all and the unsuspecting village beyond.
SARA: Wha?
BOB: Hoody Hoo!
DAVE: Way to go big guy!
BA: But how did you know Brian? I mean, there were no clues.
BRIAN: It was the urn that gave it away. An elaborately decorated amethyst colored urn was what the evil sorceress from Hackmaster™ module X9 carried in encounter 18c. This plot is an obvious sequel to that adventure. When the second edition rules came out, module X10 was shelved. Evidently it was modified to become this years GaryCon teams event. I guess good tournament writers are hard to find.
GM: Well I'm impressed. I'll get back to you later on the scores.
BOB: Don't go far Hackman. BA'll want to review your numbers for sure.
DAVE: All right! Amnesiacs one, wicked witch zip.
SARA: Brian, It's amazing sometimes how you can take the adventure out of the adventure.
BA: I should know better by now. I should expect this sort of thing.
BRIAN: Looks like we have time for another pick up game before the next slot.
BOB: Yea... More gaming for our buck this way.
As the Curtain Falls, we wish to remind you that this has all been an act of fantasy. Do not let the fearful chords that it may have struck in your hearts cause you nightmares as you return to our fair streets of Ravens Bluff.
End
